You might be in a country church if...

1. The doors are never locked.
2. The Call to Worship is, "Y'all come on in!"
3. People grumble about Noah letting coyotes on the ark.
4. The Preacher says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering," and five guys stand up.
5. The restrooms are outside.
6. Opening day of deer hunting season is recognized as an official church holiday.
7. A member requests to be buried in his four-wheel drive truck because, "I ain't ever been in a hole it couldn't get me out of."
8. In the annual stewardship drive there is at least one pledge of "two calves."
9. Never in its entire 100-year history has one of its pastors had to buy any meat or vegetables.
10. When it rains, everybody's smiling.
11. Prayers regarding the weather are a standard part of every worship service.
12. A singing group is known as the "OK Chorale."
13. The church directory doesn't have last names.
14. The pastor wears boots.
15. Four generations of one family sit together in worship every Sunday.
16. The only time people lock their cars in the parking lot is during the summer, and then only so their neighbors can't leave them a bag of squash.
17. There is no such thing as a "secret " sin.
18. Baptism is referred to as "branding".
19. There is a special fund-raiser for a new septic tank.
20. Finding and returning lost sheep is not just a parable.
21. You miss worship one Sunday morning and by 2 o'clock that afternoon you have had a dozen calls inquiring about your health.
22. High notes on the organ sets dogs in the parking lot to howling.
23. People wonder when Jesus fed the 5000 whether the two fish were bass or catfish.
24. People think "Rapture" is what happens when you lift something too heavy.
25. It's not heaven, but you can see heaven from there.
26. The final words of the benediction are, "Y'all come on back now, ya hear?"

Sick of Lunch

An Irishman, a Mexican and a Redneck were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage. If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I'm going to jump off this building!" The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again. If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too!" The Redneck opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too!"

Next day - the Irishman opens his lunch box, sees corned beef and cabbage and jumps to his death. The Mexican open his lunch, sees a burrito and jumps too. The Redneck opens his lunch, sees the bologna and jumps to his death also.

At the funeral - The Irishman's wife is weeping. She says, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again". The Mexican's wife also weeps and says, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas. I didn't realize he hated burritos so much." Everyone turned and stared at the Redneck's wife.

"Hey, don't look at me," she said, "He makes his own lunch."

Disaster!?!

[News Release] - Oklahoma's worst air disaster occurred today when a small two-seater Cessna 152 plane, piloted by two Oklahoma State University students, crashed into a cemetery early this afternoon in Stillwater. Cowboy search and rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far and expect the number to climb as digging continues into the evening. The pilot and co-pilot survived and are helping in the recovery efforts.

Alibama Obituary

A woman from the deepest, most southern part of Alabama goes into the local newspaper office to see that the obituary for her recently deceased husband is written. The obit editor informs her that the fee for the obituary is 50 cents a word.

She pauses, reflects and then says, "Well, then, let it read, 'Billy Bob died'."

Amused at the woman's thrift, the editor says, "Sorry ma'am, there is a 7 word minimum on all obituaries."

Only a little flustered, she thinks things over and in a few seconds says, "In that case, let it read, 'Billy Bob died - 1983 Pick-up for sale.'"

Redneck Professional Engineering Exam

1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10 lb. possum.

2. Which of the following cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard?
       a) 66 Ford Fairlane
       b) 69 Chevrolet Chevelle
       c) 64 Pontiac GTO

3. If your uncle builds a still that operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of shine per hour, how many car radiators are necessary to condense the product?

4. A pulpwood cutter has chain saw that operates at 2700 rpm. Density of the pine trees in a plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The plot is2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many Pabst Blue Ribbons will be consumed in cutting the trees?

5. If every old refrigerator in the state vented its charge of R-12 simultaneously, what would be the decrease in the ozone layer?

6. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers with a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1 inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses, how many hound dogs will be killed?

7. A man owns a house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has 5 children. Can each of the children place a mobile home on the man's land?

8. A 2-ton pulpwood truck is overloaded and proceeding down a steep grade on a secondary road at 45 mph. The brakes fail. Given the average traffic loading of secondary roads, how many people will swerve to avoid the truck before it crashes at the bottom of the mountain? For extra credit, how many of the vehicles that swerved will have mufflers and uncracked windshields?

9. A Coal Mine operates a NFPA Class 1, Division 2 Hazardous Area. The mine employs 120 miners per shift. A gas warning is issued at the beginning of 3rd shift. How many cartons of unfiltered Camels will be smoked during the shift?

Redneck Computer Lingo

Modem: What you did to your hayfields.

Keyboard: Where you hang your keys.

Windows: What you shut when it is 30 below.

Log On: Making the wood stove hotter.

Hard Drive: Going to work in thick fog.

Microchips: What is left in the bag when the kids are done eating the big chips.

Download: Getting firewood off the pick-up.

Megahertz: What you get when not careful downloading.

You're Probably a Redneck if...

More than one living relative is named after a southern civil war general.

Your front porch collapses and more than six dogs are killed.

Your home has more miles on it than your car.

You think that potted meat on a saltine is an hors d'ouerve.

There is a stuffed possum anywhere in your house.

Fewer than half of your cars run.

The primary color of your car is "bondo".

Your hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.

Your mother has been involved in a fist fight at a high school sports event.

You've ever barbecued Spam on the grill.

The best way to keep things cold is to leave 'em in the shade.

The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights.

Your brother-in-law is your uncle.

You have refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the Bandit" was snubbed for best picture.

Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of ketchup.

The rear tires on your car are at least twice as wide as the front ones.

You consider "Outdoor Life" deep reading.

You prominently display a gift you bought at Graceland.

You use the term `over yonder' more than once a month.

The diploma hanging in your den contains the words "Trucking Institution".

Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.

You've ever worn a tube top to a wedding.

Your favorite Christmas present, was a painting on black velvet.

You think that Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

You think that beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups.

You think that Campho-Phenique is a miracle drug.

The first words out of your mouth every time you see friends are "Howdy!", "HEY!", or "How Y'all Doin?" (If they respond with the same... they're a redneck too!)

You have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior.

Your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has an opening on the lube rack.

You think that the Styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.

You had to remove a toothpick for wedding pictures.

You've ever used a weed eater indoors.

You have a rag for a gas cap (on a car that does run).

You look upon a family reunion as a chance to meet `Ms. Right'

You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.

Your richest relative invites you over to his new home to help him remove the wheels and skirt.

You've ever financed a tattoo.

Your idea of a 7 course meal is a bucket of KFC and a six pack.

You go to a tupperware party for a haircut.

You have spray painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass.

Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

Someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle.

The directions to your house include "turn off the paved road".

Your dog and your wallet are both on chains.

Your kids are going hungry tonight because you just had to have those Yosemite Sam mud flaps.

You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.

Your dog can't watch you eat without gagging.

You have a Hefty bag on the passenger side window of your car.

You have a very special baseball cap, just for formal occasions.

You bought a VCR so you could tape wrestling while you are at work.

Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.

Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.

Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.

You call your boss "Buddy", on a regular basis.

You consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it in prison.

You have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.

You have started a petition to change the National Anthem to "Georgia on My Mind."

You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

You need an estimate from your barber before you get a haircut.

The biggest fashion risk you take is which plaid you'll wear to the 4-H Fair.

You have flowers planted in a bathroom appliance in your front yard.

Your wife weighs more then your refrigerator.

You mow your lawn and find a car.

If going to the bathroom in the middle of the night involves putting on shoes (if you have them) a jacket and grabbing a flashlight.

You go Christmas shopping for your mom, sister, and girlfriend, and you only need to buy one gift.

You are still holding on to Confederate money because you think the South will rise again.

You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.

You have to go down to the creek to take a bath.

You participate in the "who can spit tobacco the farthest contest".

You roll you hair with soup cans and wash it once a year.

You consider a three piece suit to be: a pair of overalls, a plaid flannel shirt and thermal underwear.

There is a sheet hanging in your closet and a gun rack hanging in your truck.

You've ever made change in the offering plate.

If the fifth grade is referred to as "your senior year"

You consider a good tan to be the back of of your neck and the left arm below the shirt sleeve...

You own at least 20 baseball hats.

You know of at least six different ways to bend the bill of a baseball hat.

You can change the oil in your truck without ducking your head.

Your biggest ambition in life is to "git thet big'ole coon. The one what hangs 'round over yonder, back'ah bubba's barn..."

Three quarters of the clothes you own have LOGOS on them.

When you leave your house, you are followed by federal agents of the Bureau of Alcohol Tobacco and Firearms, and the only thing you worry about is if you can loose them or not.

You have 5 cars that are immobile and house that is!

Your gene pool doesn't have a "deep end"

Your `huntin dawg' cost more than the truck you drive him around in.

You have a Hefty bag for a Car/Truck convertible top.

Your belt buckle weighs more than three pounds.

You have an Elvis Jell-o mold.

You own more cowboy boots than sneakers.

You've been to a funeral and there were more pick-ups than cars.

You have a picture of Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, or Elvis over your fireplace.

You just bought an 8-track player to put in your car.

There are four or more cars up on blocks in the front yard.

The theme song at your high school prom was `Friends in Low Places'

It's Easier to spray weed killer on your lawn than mow it.

You think that John Deere Green, Ford Blue, and Primer Gray are the three of the primary colors.

The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your spouse.

You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.

If anyone in your family ever died right after saying, "Hey ya'll, watch this."

Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.

You think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are,"Gentlemen, start your engines."

You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.

The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas it has in it.

You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.

One of your kids was born on a pool table.

One or more of your kids were conceived on a pool table.

Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.

You can't get married to yer sweetheart 'cause there's a law against it.

You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

IF MICROSOFT WAS IN GEORGIA???

How Things Would Be Different If Microsoft Were Located In Georgia!

Their No. 1 product would be "Microsoft Winders".

Instead of an hourglass icon you'd get an empty beer bottle.

Occasionally, you'd bring up a window that was covered with a Hefty bag and some duct tape.

Instead of "Yes", "No", or "Cancel", dialog boxes would give you the choice of "Aww-right", "Naw", or "Git".

Instead of "Ta-Dah!", the opening sound would be "Dueling Banjos".

The "Recycle Bin" in Winders95 would be an outhouse.

Whenever you pulled up the Sound Player, you'd hear "Freebird!"

Instead of "Start Me Up", the Winders95 theme song would be "Boot Scootin' Boogie".

Powerpoint would be named "ParPawnt".

Instead of "VP", Microsoft big shots would be called "Cuz".

Hardware could be repaired using parts from an old Trans Am.

Daisy Duke screen saver.

"Well, the first thing you know old Bill's a billionaire..."

Flight Simulator replaced by Tractor-Pull Simulator.

Microsoft CEO "Billy-Bob" (a.k.a. "Bubba") Gates.

"ParPawnt" would have a "Pond Scum" and a "Junk Yard" presentation template.

One wrong turn while surfing the web would send you face to face with a 12 gauge shotgun.

"This computer protected by Smith and Wesson screen saver.

Directions to Corporate Headquarters - "Down the road a block or so".

Microsoft Word includes a phonetic spell checker-"Hookt on fonics werkt 4 me."