In our marriage we made a decision to never go to bed mad...
We haven't had any sleep for three weeks!
Wife: Scientists claim that the average person speaks 10,000 words a day.
Husband: Yes, dear, but remember, you are far above the average.
Bob: I want to marry your daughter.
Dad: How much money do you make?
Bob: $200 a month.
Dad: Well, her allowance is $150 a month - and that'll make...
Bob: No, I have already figured that in.
A man playing golf with his buddies one Saturday morning was about to tee off when a long funeral procession passed by on the nearby road. He stopped, removed his hat, and stood, unmoving for several minutes while the procession went by. When it was gone his friends came to him and said, "Wow, that was really neat how you showed respect for the dead."
He responded, "I guess I should, I was married to her for 25 years!"
"It's a guy thing."
Really means: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."
"Can I help with dinner?"
Really means: "Why isn't it already on the table?"
"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear."
Really means: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.
"It would take too long to explain."
Really means: "I have no idea how it works."
"I'm getting more exercise lately."
Really means: "The batteries in the remote are dead."
"We're going to be late."
Really means: "Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."
"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."
Really means: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
"That's interesting, dear."
Really means: "Are you still talking?"
"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love."
Really means: "I forgot our anniversary again."
"You expect too much of me."
Really means: "You want me to stay awake."
"That's women's work."
Really means: "It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."
"You know how bad my memory is."
Really means: "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and Vehicle Identification
"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal."
Really means: "I have severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."
"I do help around the house."
Really means: "I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket."
"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing."
Really means: "I sure hope I think of some reasons pretty soon."
"I can't find it."
Really means: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."
"What did I do this time?"
Really means: "What did you catch me doing?"
"I heard you."
Really means: "I haven't no idea what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."
"You look terrific."
Really means: "Oh, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."
"I missed you."
Really means: "I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper."
"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are."
Really means: "I'm lost. I have no idea where we are, and no one will ever see us alive again."
"We share the housework."
Really means: "I make the messes, you clean them up."
"This relationship is getting too serious."
Really means: "You're cutting into the time I spend with my truck."
"I don't need to read the instructions."
Really means: "I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help."
One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in the tiny town of Johnstown, got up early and went to the local church. Before the services started, the towns people were sitting in their pews and talking about their lives, their families, etc.
Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from the evil incarnate. Soon everyone was evacuated from the Church, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving. Seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.
Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?"
"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.
Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."
One day a man walks into a dentist's office and asks how much it will cost to extract wisdom teeth.
"Eighty dollars," the dentist says.
"That's a ridiculous amount," the man says. "Isn't there a cheaper way?"
"Well," the dentist says, "if you don't use an anaesthetic, I can knock it down to $60."
"That's still too expensive," the man says.
"Okay," says the dentist. "If I save on anesthesia and simply rip the teeth out with a pair of pliers, I could get away with charging $20."
"Nope," moans the man, "it's still too much."
"Hmm," says the dentist, scratching his head. "If I let one of my students do it for the experience, I suppose I could charge you just $10."
"Marvelous," says the man, "book my wife for next Tuesday !"
A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up, rubbed it and out popped a genie.
The genie said, "OK, OK. You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish!"
The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?"
The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible. Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete...how much steel!! No, think of another wish."
The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women....know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment....know why they're crying, know what they really want when they say 'nothing'....know how to make them truly happy...."
The genie said, "You want that bridge with two lanes or four?"
At a breakfast table, there was a British couple, an American couple and an Australian couple.
The British husband, who liked to use puns, said to his wife, "Can you pass the honey, Honey?"
Not wanting to lose out, the American husband turned and said to his wife, "Do you mind passing the sugar, Sugar?"
The Australian husband did not want to lose out either, but he could not think how he could copy the other 2 husbands. Finally, he spoke to his wife, "Pass me the bacon, you Pig!!"
A man is told by his doctor that he is dying of an inoperable brain tumor, with only weeks to live."We do have hope," the doctor says. "We can attempt a brain transplant. However, it is very experimental, and very expensive."
"How much would it cost me?" the patient asks.
"Normally a man's brain transplant is $100,000. You are in luck, we have a woman's brain available, and that one is only $10,000."Confused the man asks, "Why is the man's brain so expensive?"
The doctor replies, "Because the woman's brain has been used."