THE PARENTS DICTIONARY

Words that a parent knows the true meanings of:

DUMBWAITER: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

FEEDBACK: The inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.

FULL NAME: What you call your child when you're mad at him.

GRANDPARENTS: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.

HEARSAY: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

INDEPENDENT: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.

OW: The first word spoken by children with older siblings.

PUDDLE: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.

SHOW OFF: A child who is more talented than yours.

STERILIZE: What you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it, and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it and wiping it with saliva.

TOP BUNK: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.

TWO MINUTE WARNING: When the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.

VERBAL: Able to whine in words.

WHODUNIT: None of the kids that live in your house.

STUDENT EXCUSES

These are actual excuse notes from parents (including spelling):

My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.

Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.

Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.

Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.

Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.

Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.

Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.

Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak.

Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.

Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.

Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.

My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.

Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.

Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.

Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.

Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.

Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.

Birth Order: Satire From a Youngest Child

My wife and I are both the youngest child. Combine that with our own experience as parents and we often satirically talk about how things change as you have more children:

First Child: I placed my hand on my wife's tummy every chance I could for two months waiting for that first time when I could feel the baby move. Hours upon hours I waited until that magic moment when, I felt this little movement. We called all of our relatives to tell them about the blessed experience.

Second Child: When it first happened, my wife called me at the office. I quickly ran home and felt the baby move. We included the experience in all of our letter to our family.

Third Child: She told me the baby moved. I told her I would check it our during the next commercial break. I missed out because her mother called on the telephone so I went on watching Monday night football. By the end of the third quarter, I finally felt the baby move.

Fourth Child: We were in bed and I was trying to sleep. I turned to her and said "Cant you make your tummy stay still? I'm trying to sleep." When it became clear that the baby would be jumping around for a while, we called the pizza man for a delivery.

First Child: Every time we felt the slightest B&H contraction, we rushed to the hospital. I would carry my wife to the car and lay her down in the back seat surrounded by pillows.

Second Child: We timed the contractions. By the time she had three in thirty minutes, we rushed to the hospital. She sat in the front seat, with it leaned back and a pillow behind her head and another at her feet.

Third Child: I came home from the office as soon as she started having regular contractions. When they were five minutes apart and hard, we went to the hospital. I gave her a pillow to hold along the way.

Fourth Child: When she called me at the office and told me that she was having contractions hard and five minutes apart, I told her to drive to the hospital. I would meet her there as soon as I finished the set of correspondence I was working on. I reminded her not to forget the pillows.

First Child: My wife grabbed the camera. I grabbed the Video Camera. My wife took four rolls of film. We immediately ran out to the one hour developing place and had all four rolls developed with double prints. We had the best picture blown up to 24" X 36" and framed. We hung it up in the entry hall. I had a professional studio turn the four hours of video I taped into a one hour documentary complete with voice-over by a local anchor-man.

Second Child: We took one roll of film and five minutes worth of video. The next day we took the film and had it developed by a twenty-four hour developing center. I took the best picture and put it into my wallet.

Third Child: We couldn't find the video camera and we only had five shots left on the roll of film. We took all five shots but I don't remember if we ever got the roll developed.

Fourth Child: I quickly got up and grabbed the camera. I placed it up high so the child wouldn't grab it.

First Child: My wife and I frantically ran over to the child. We swept him up and rushed him to the emergency room. No stitches were needed but we spent the night with him in his room just in case the bleeding started again.

Second Child: We walked over to her, picked her up and quickly bandaged her up. We spent the next two hours rocking her in the living room to comfort the pain.

Third Child: I told my wife that if he was still crying in a couple of minutes, we should go over and make sure he isn't hurt too badly. When he didn't stop crying, we bandaged up the cut and laid him in his bed for a while but we went on about our business.

Fourth Child: Put a bandage on the cut and told him it'd get better after he stopped crying.

PREPARATION FOR PARENTHOOD

Preparation for parenthood is not just a matter of reading books and decorating the nursery. Here are 12 simple tests for expectant parents to take to prepare themselves for the real life experience of being a mother or father.

1. Women: To prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag down the front. Leave it there for 9 months. After 9 months, take out 10% of the beans.
   Men: To prepare for paternity, go to the local drug store, tip the contents of your wallet on the counter, and tell the pharmacist to help himself. Then go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office. Go home. Pick up the paper and read it for the last time.

2. Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels, and how they have allowed their children to run riot. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners and overall behavior. Enjoy it -- it'll be the last time in your life that you will have all of the answers.

3. To discover how the nights feel, walk around the living room from 5 PM to 10 PM carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 lbs. At 10 PM put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep. Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag, until 1 AM. Put the alarm on for 3 AM. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2 AM and make a drink. Go to bed at 2:45 AM. Get up again at 3 AM when the alarm goes off. Sing songs in the dark until 4 AM. Put the alarm on for 5 AM. Get up. Make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.

4. Can you stand the mess children make? To find out, smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains. Hide a fish finger behind the stereo and leave it there all summer. Stick your fingers in the flower beds then rub them on the clean walls. Cover the stains with crayons. How does that look?

5. Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems: first buy an octopus and a string bag. Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that none of the arms hang out. Time allowed for this -- all morning.

6. Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and a can of paint, turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet tube. Using only Scotch tape and a piece of foil, turn it into a Christmas tree. Last, take a milk container, a ping pong ball, and an empty packet of Cocoa Puffs and make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower. Congratulations, you have just qualified for a place on the play group committee.

7. Forget the Miata and buy a mini van. And don't think you can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't look like that. Buy a chocolate ice cream bar and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a quarter. Stick it in the cassette player. Take a family size packet of chocolate cookies. Mash them down the back seats. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. There! Perfect!

8. Get ready to go out. Wait outside the toilet for half an hour. Go out the front door. Come in again. Go out. Come back in. Go out again. Walk down the front path. Walk back up it. Walk down it again. Walk very slowly down the road for 5 minutes. Stop to inspect minutely every cigarette butt, piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue and dead insect along the way. Retrace your steps. Scream that you've had as much as you can stand, until the neighbors come out and stare at you. Give up and go back in the house. You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk.

9. Always repeat everything you say at least five times.

10. Go to your local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can find to a pre-school child -- a fully grown goat is excellent. If you intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat. Buy your week's groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for everything the goats eat or destroy. Until you can easily accomplish this do not even contemplate having children.

11. Hollow out a melon. Make a small hole in the side. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side. Now get a bowl of soggy Froot Loops and attempt to spoon it into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane. Continue until half of the Froot Loops are gone. Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor. You are now ready to feed a 12 month old baby.

12. Learn the names of every character from Barney and Friends, Sesame Street and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. When you find yourself singing "I love you, you love me," at work, now! you finally qualify as a parent.

KIDS SAY THE DARNDEST THINGS!

The inhabitants of Moscow are called Mosquitoes.

A census taker is a man who goes from house to house increasing the population.

Water is composed of two gins. Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.

(Define H2O and CO2): H2O is hot water and CO2 is cold water.

The people who followed the lord were called the twelve opossums.

One of the main causes of dust is Janitors.

A scout obeys all to who obedience is due and respects all duly consipated authorities.

The climate is hottest next to the Creator.

Syntax is all the money collected at the church from sinners.

In spring the salmon swim upstream to spoon.

In the middle of the 18th century, all the morons moved to Utah.

A person should take a bath once in the summer, not so often in the winter.

To prevent colds, use an agonizer to spray into the nose until it drips into the throat.

THINGS ADULTS LEARN FROM KIDS

There is no such thing as child-proofing your house.

If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

A 4 years-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a superman cape.

It is strong enough however to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.

Baseballs make marks on ceilings.

You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.

When using the ceiling fan as a bat you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit.

A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh;" it's already too late.

Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies.

A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.

If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes it does not leak - it explodes.

A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. foot house 4 inches deep.

Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old.

Duplos will not.

Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.

Super glue is forever.

McGyver can teach us many things we don't want to know.

Ditto Tarzan.

No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.

Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

You probably do not want to know what that odor is.

Always look in the oven before you turn it on.

Plastic toys do not like ovens.

The fire department in San Diego has at least a 5 minute response time.

The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy.

It will however make cats dizzy.

Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

Quiet does not necessarily mean don't worry.

A good sense of humor will get you through most problems in life (unfortunately, mostly in retrospect).

2:00 AM is not a good time to hear, "Daddy, diapers don't flush!"

No time is a good time to hear, "Daddy, your tires are 'hisssssing.'"

You never want to hear, "Watch me fly!" coming from the roof.

Nor do you want to hear, "Your new cell phone doesn't work underwater."

Daddy's shoe is not a good home for a pet tarantula.

Hiding uneaten vegetables in daddy's shoes is not good.

Scissors and hair are often a dangerous combination.

Collecting things is good. Collecting things that come out of your nose is not.

Finger painting is good. Finger painting walls is dangerous.

If you hear the words, "Can ya eat a lizard's tail?" It's too late.

If you hear the words, "Guess what's in my hands." You don't want to know.

If you hear the words, "Guess what's in my mouth." You REALLY don't want to know.

'Fan' and 'flour' should never be heard in the same sentence.

The toilet does not make a permanent fish aquarium.

Most toilets can not consume an entire roll of toilet paper without choking.

Any sentence which contains the word 'Oooops' is bad.

Any sentence beginning with, "How much do you love me?" means 'prepare for bad news'.

Throwing daddy's wallet in the trash compactor can change his mood.

Hiding parts of daddy's computer can make your hiney hurt.

Lipstick on the TV screen changes mommy's mood.

Fish can not use a remote control, even if placed in their tank.

"Why do fish float?" means trouble.

Any sentence beginning with, "When [your pet's name] dies..." is never a good sign.

Setting the hamsters free changes the cat's mood.

Cats do not like to be wrapped in duct tape.

Cats get even.

How's that again?

The following are Internet responses from teachers who were asked to submit the worst analogy ever received in an essay by a student.

"The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't."

"McBride fell twelve stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty Bag filled with vegetable soup."

"From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and 'Jeopardy' comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30."

"Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hairs after a sneeze."

"He was as tall as a six foot three inch tree."

"The hailstones bounced off the pavement like maggots thrown in hot grease."

"They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences like Nancy Kerrigan's teeth."

"John and Cheryl had never met. They were like two hummingbirds that had also never met."

"The thunder was scary, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken back stage during the storm scene of a play."

"His thoughts were all confused and tangled up, like underpants in a dryer without Cling-Free."

"The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon.

TODDLER DIET

Breakfast: One scrambled egg, one piece of toast with grape jelly. Eat two bites of egg, using your fingers. Dump the rest on the floor. Take one bite of toast, then smear the jelly over your face.

Lunch: Four crayons (any color), a handful of crushed potato chips. Take three sips from a glass of milk, spill the rest.

Dinner: A stick, two pennies and a nickel, and a sip of stale root beer.

Bedtime Snack: Toast a piece of bread and toss it on the kitchen floor.

Breakfast: Eat the toast from kitchen floor. Drink half a bottle of vanilla extract or one vial of food coloring.

Lunch: Half a tube of "Pulsating Pink" lipstick and a cigarette (to be eaten, not smoked). One ice cube.

Afternoon Snack: Lick an all-day sucker until sticky. Take it outside, drop it in the dirt. Retrieve and continue licking until it is clean again. Then bring inside and drop on rug.

Dinner: One uncooked bean up left nostril. Stir together iced tea, mashed potatoes, peas, grapes, bread crusts and steak sauce: make a sculpture. Leave it on plate.

Breakfast: Two pancakes with plenty of syrup. Eat one with fingers, rub other in hair. Glass of milk: drink half, stuff pancake in glass. Pick up yesterday's sucker from rug, lick off fuzz, and put it on the cushion of your best chair.

Lunch: Three matches, peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Spit three bites onto the floor. Pour glass of milk on table and slurp up.

Dinner: Dish of ice cream, handful of potato chips, leftover coffee grounds found in cup.

Evening Snack: One handful dry cat food.

Breakfast: One tube of toothpaste (any flavor), a bite of soap, and an olive. Pour a glass of milk over a bowl of corn flakes, top with half a cup of sugar. Eat sugar with spoon, drink milk out of bowl and give soggy cereal to dog.

Lunch: Scatter popcorn on living room carpet; eat. peel sucker off chair and finish.

Dinner: A glass of spaghetti and chocolate milk. Leave meatball with fork sticking out. Entire pack of gum for dessert.

911!

A 911 operator gets a call one evening but nobody says anything. Fearing the worst, the operator calls back, and a little boy answers the phone in whispering voice ...

[barely audible] Hello!

(Operator) Hello little boy. Did you just call 911?

[barely audible] "No!"

(Operator) O.K., is your mommy home?

[barely audible] "Yes."

(Operator) Can I speak to her, please?

[barely audible] "No."

(Operator) "Why not?"

[barely audible] "Because she's busy!"

(Operator) "Oh, OK. Is your daddy home then?"

[barely audible] "Yes."

(Operator) "Well, can I speak to him?"

[barely audible] "No!"

(Operator) "Well, my goodness, why not?"

[barely audible] "Because he's busy too!"

(Operator) "OH, goodness! What's he busy doing?"

[barely audible] "Talking to the police."

(Operator) "Oh, so the police are there?"

[barely audible] "Yes."

(Operator) "Can I speak to one of them?"

[barely audible] "No!"

(Operator) "Why not?"

[barely audible] "Because they are really busy."

(Operator) "Well, what's your mom busy doing?"

[barely audible] "Talking to the firemen."

(Operator) "Can I speak to one of the firemen then, please?"

[barely audible] "No."

(Operator) "Well, goodness, why not?"

[barely audible] "Because they are really busy too!"

(Operator) "Well, what are all of these people busy doing?"

[barely audible] "Looking for me!"

THIRSTY!

A small boy is sent to bed by his father....

"Da-ad..."
"What?"
"I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?"
"No. You had your chance. Lights out."

"Da-aaaad..."
"WHAT?"
"I'm THIRSTY...Can I have a drink of water??"
"I told you NO! If you ask again I'll have to spank you!!"

"Daaaa-aaaAAAAD..."
"WHAT??!!"
"When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a drink of water?"

CATS IN HEAVEN

A little boy is gone to school one day and while he is gone, his cat gets killed. His mother is very concerned about how he will take the news. Upon his arrival home, she explains the tragedy and tries to console the boy saying, "But don't worry, the cat is in heaven with God now."

To which the boy replied, "What's God gonna' do with a dead cat?"

WALK OR DRIVE

A young man comes home and says "Dad, just got my driver's license and would like to use the family car." Father replies, :"O.K., son. But, first, you have to get good grades in school, keep your room clean, make certain the yard is neat, and cut your hair. Come back in a few months and then we'll see."

Well, several months pass and the young man comes into the house with his report card in his hand. "Dad, I got great marks on my report card. I've been keeping my room as neat as a pin, and the yard is always ship-shape. How about letting me use the car?" Father replies, "That's all true, but son you didn't cut your hair."

Son says, "But, dad, Jesus had long hair Father replies, "Yes son, you're perfectly right. And he walked everywhere he went.

KIDS REPEAT WHAT THEY HEAR!

One blistering, hot day when guests were present for dinner, a mother asked her four year old son to say the blessing. "But, Mother, I don't know what to say," he protested. "Just say what you've heard me say," she told him. Obediently, he bowed his head and said, "Oh, Lord, why did I invite those people here on a hot day like this?"

DUMB BEAST

Watching her mother as she tried on her new fur coat, young Becky said unhappily, "Mom, do you realize some poor, dumb beast suffered so you could have that?" The woman shot her an angry look. "Becky, how dare you talk about your father like that?"

CHILDREN REQUIRE MONEY!

It was graduation day and Mom was trying to take a picture of their son in a cap and gown, posed with his father. "Let's try to make this look natural "she said. "Junior, put your arm around your dad's shoulder." The father answered, "If you want it to look natural, why not have him put his hand in my pocket?"

CIRCUMCISION!!!!!! OUCH!!!

Did you hear about the two 6 year olds discussing circumcision? One says to the other, "Gee, you know I've got to get circumcised next week and I am really scared. I hear that is it really painful." The other youngster responded. "I know what you mean and it is really painful. I got circumcised when I was born and didn't walk for a year!"

Run!!

A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach.

After watching the boys efforts for some time, the priest moves closer to the boy's position.

He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a sold ring.

Crouching down to the child's level, the priest smiles benevolently and asks, "And now what, my little man?"

To which the boy replies, "Now we run!"

Jane

A man observed a woman in the grocery store with a three-year-old girl in her basket. As they passed the cookie section, the little girl asked for cookies and her mother told her, "No." The little girl immediately began to whine and fuss, and the mother said quietly, "Now Jane, we just have half of the aisles left to go through - don't be upset. It won't be long now."

Soon, they came to the candy aisle and the little girl began to shout for candy. When told she couldn't have any, she began to cry. The mother said, "There, there, Jane, don't cry - only two more aisles to go and then we'll be checking out."

When they got to the checkout stand, the little girl immediately began to clamor for gum and burst into a terrible tantrum upon discovering there'd be no gum purchased. The mother said serenely, "Jane, we'll be through this check out stand in 5 minutes and then you can go home and have a nice nap."

The man followed them out to the parking lot and stopped the woman to compliment her. "I couldn't help noticing how patient you were with little Jane. It's quite commendable," he remarked.

The mother replied, "I'm Jane. My little girl's name is Tammy."