A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons and little prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider.
Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground again and again. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere seconds away from unconsciousness when........
..... the Wal-Mart Manager runs out to shut the horse off.
A contractor sent his secretary to pick up some wood for his latest job. She walked in the office and said, "We need some four-by-twos."
The clerk said, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?"
The secretary said, "I'll go check," and went back to the truck. She returned a minute later and said, "Yeah, I meant two-by-fours."
"All right. How long do you need them?" The customer paused for a minute and said, "Uh... I'd better go check."
After a while, the blond returned to the office and said, "A long time. We're gonna build a house
Two tourists were driving through Louisiana. As they were approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch.
As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are... very slowly?"
The blonde girl leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrrrr, gerrrrrrr, Kiiiiing"
A State Trooper pulls a car over on a lonely back road and approaches the blonde lady driver.
"Ma'am, is there a reason that you're weaving all over the road?"
The woman replied, "Oh officer, thank goodness you're here! I almost had an accident. I looked up and there was a tree right in front of me. I swerved to the left and there was another tree in front of me. I swerved to the right and there was another tree in front of me!"
Reaching through the side window to the rear view mirror, the officer replied, "Ma'am... that's your air freshener."
Jan was a blonde who worked in Lodi. It was a good job, however she was sick and tired of all the "Dumb Blonde" jokes. After hearing this same complaint night after night, her husband Richard came up with an idea. He said, "Why don't you memorize all the State Capitols? Then when the wiseguys at work start in on you, you can dazzle them with your knowledge." So she spent the rest of the evening in their bedroom memorizing all the state capitals.
Sure enough, at work the next day, some guy starting telling another Dumb Blonde joke. She interrupted with the shrill announcement: "I've had it up to HERE with these dumb 'Dumb Blonde' jokes. I want you to know that THIS blonde went home last night and did something probably none of you could do: I memorized all the state capitals!"
One of the guys, of course, said, "I don't believe you; what's the capital of Wyoming?"
"W!" .... she answered.
It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was almost zero when the little blonde got off work. She made her way to her car and wondered how she was going to make it home. She sat in her car while it warmed up and thought about her situation. She finally remembered her daddy's advice that if she got caught in a blizzard she should wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it. That way she would not get stuck in a snow drift. This made her feel much better and sure enough in a little while a snow plow went by and she started to follow it.
As she followed the snow plow, she was feeling very smug as they continued and she was not having any problem with the blizzard conditions.
After quite some time had passed, she was somewhat surprised when the snow plow stopped and the driver got out and came back to her car and signaled for her to roll down her window. The snow plow driver wanted to know if she was all right as she had been following him for a long time. She said that she was fine and told him of her daddy's advice to follow a snow plow when caught in a blizzard.
The driver replied that it was OK with him and she could continue if she wanted but he was done with the Wal-Mart parking lot and was going over to K-Mart next.
A blonde and a brunette are running a ranch together in Louisiana. They decide they needed a bull to mate with their cows to increase their herd. The brunette takes their life savings of $600 dollars and goes to Texas to buy a bull. She eventually meets with an old cowboy that will sell her a bull. "It's the only one I got for $599, take it or leave it."
She buys the bull and goes to the local telegram office and says, "I'd like to send a telegram to my friend in Louisiana that says: "Have found the stud bull for our ranch, bring the trailer."
The man behind the counter tells her, "Telegrams to anywhere in the U.S. are $.75 per word."
She thinks about it for a moment and decides. "I'd like to send one word, please."
"And what word would that be?" inquires the man.
"Comfortable." replies the blonde.
The man asks, "I'm sorry miss, but how is your friend gonna understand this telegram?"
The brunette replies, "My friend is blonde and reads REAL slow, when she gets this, she will see COM-FOR-DA-BULL."
A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decides to buy her a cell phone.
She is all excited, she loves her phone. He shows her and explains to her all the features on the phone.
The next day the blonde goes shopping. Her phone rings and it's her husband, "Hi hun," he says "how do you like your new phone?"
She replies "I just love, it's so small and your voice is clear as a bell but there's one thing I don't understand though."
"What's that, baby?" asks the husband.
"How did you know I was at Wal-Mart?"
Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, California, a blonde, new to boating was having a problem. No matter how hard she tried, she just couldn't get her brand new 22-ft. Bayliner to perform. It wouldn't get on a plane at all, and it was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power she applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, she putted over to a nearby marina. Maybe they could tell her what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything was in perfect working order. The engine ran fine, the outdrive went up and down, the prop was the correct size and pitch.
So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard. Under the boat, still strapped securely in place was the trailer.
A Man Was in his front yard mowing his grass when his attractive blond neighbor came out of the house and rushed straight to the mailbox. She opened it, looked in, then slammed it shut and stormed back into the house.
A little later she came out of her house again, went right to the mailbox and this time opened it, looked in, felt around it, then slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, she came out again, marched over to the mail box, opened it, felt all the way to the back, and then slammed it closed harder than ever.
Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"
To which she replied, "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps saying, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL"."
A blonde went to a beauty salon to get a haircut. When the beautician approached the chair where the blonde was waiting, she noticed that she was wearing a Walkman. The beautician took the blonde to her styling booth. She asked the blonde, "Please take off the Walkman so I can cut your hair." The blonde replied, "I can't do without it, just cut around it."
The beautician shook her head in disbelief and started cutting. A few minutes later the beautician stopped and asked the blonde, "I just can't cut your hair properly while you are wearing that Walkman. Please take it off." The blonde replied, "I just can't live without it, cut around it please." The beautician started cutting again and finally had had enough. The beautician reached down and pulled the earphones from the Walkman off the blonde. Just as she did so the blonde froze, then fell out off the chair and on to the floor. The staff at the salon rushed to her aid only to discover she was stone dead. All were stunned! The beautician lifted the earphones to her ear to listen to what was so important to the blonde.
In a soft but commanding voice she heard, "Breathe in.......... Breathe out............ Breathe in.......... Breathe out............ Breathe in.......... Breathe out............"
Q: What do you call a blonde with half a brain?
A: Gifted!
Q: How do blonde brain cells die?
A: Alone.
Q: What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells?
A: Pregnant.
Q: What do you call it when a blonde dies their hair brunette?
A: Artificial intelligence.
Q: When does a brunette have 1/2 of a brain?
A: After a dye job.
Q: Why do blondes wear their hair up?
A: To catch everything that goes over their heads.
Q: Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?
A: You can park in the handicap zone.
Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?
A: Shine a flashlight in their ear.
Q: How do you get a blondes eyes to twinkle?
A: Shine a torch in her ears.
Q: Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks?
A: It takes too long to retrain them.
Q1: How can you tell if a blonde's been using the computer?
A: There's white-out on the screen.
Q2: How can you tell if another blonde's been using the computer?
A: There's writing on the white-out.
Q: What did the blonde think of the new computer?
A: She didn't like it because she couldn't get channel 9.
Q: Why don't blondes eat Jell-O?
A: They can't figure out how to get two cups of water into those little packages.
Q: Why don't blondes eat bananas?
A: They cant find the pull tab.
Q: Why do blondes drive BMWs?
A: Because they can spell it.
Q: Why do blondes have TGIF on their shoes?
A: Toes Go In First.
Q: What do you call a brunette with a blonde on either side?
A: An interpreter.
Q: What do you call a blonde between two brunettes?
A: A mental block.
Q: How do you change a blonde's mind?
A: Blow in her ear.
Q: What is it called when a blonde blows in another blonde's ear?
A: Data transfer.
Q: How many blondes does it take to change a light bulb?
A1: "What's a light bulb?"
A2: Two. One to hold the Diet Pepsi, and one to call, "Daaady!"
Q: What's a blonde's favorite wine?
A: "Daaaddy, I want to go to Miaaami!"
Q: What do you call a basement full of blondes?
A: A wine cellar.
Q: What do you call 10 blondes standing ear to ear?
A: A wind tunnel.
Q: Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw puzzle in only 6 months?
A: Because on the box it said From 2-4 years.
Q: How did the blonde try to kill the bird?
A: She threw it off a cliff.
Q: How does a blonde kill a fish?
A: She drowns it.
Q: Why did the blonde drown in the pool?
A: Someone left a scratch and sniff at the bottom of the pool.
Q: What's the blonde's cheer?
A: " I'm blonde, I'm blonde, I'm B.L.O.N....ah, oh well.. I'm blonde, I'm blonde, yea yea yea..."
Q: What do you get when you offer a blonde a penny for her thoughts?
A: Change.
Q: How do you know when a blonde has been making chocolate chip cookies?
A: You find M&M shells all over the kitchen floor.
Q: How do you drive a blonde crazy?
A: Give her a bag of M&Ms and tell her to alphabetize them.
Q: What job function does a blonde have in an M&M factory?
A: Proof-reading.
Q: Do you know why the blonde got fired from the M&M factory?
A: For throwing out the W's.
Q: Why did the blonde try to steal a police car?
A: She saw "911" and thought it was a Porsche.
Q: What do you call a blonde skeleton in the closet?
A: Last year's hide and seek champ.
Q: What do you call a dumb blonde behind a steering wheel?
A: An air bag.
Q: What does a blonde say when you ask her if her blinker is on?
A: It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off.
Q: What goes VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH?
A: A blonde going through a flashing red light.
Q: Did you hear about the blonde couple that were found frozen to death in their car at a drive-in movie theatre?
A: They went to see "Closed for the Winter".
Q: What do you call a blonde in an institution of higher learning?
A: A visitor.
Q: Did you hear about the blonde coyote?
A: Got stuck in a trap, chewed off three legs and was still stuck.
Q: How do you amuse a blonde for hours?
A: Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper.
Q: What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerios?
A: "Oh look! Donut seeds!"
Q: What did the blonde name her pet zebra?
A: Spot.
Q: What do you call a fly buzzing inside a blonde's head?
A: A Space Invader.
Q: What's a blondes' favorite rock group?
A: Air Supply.
Q: Why do blondes drive VW's?
A: Because they can't spell PORSCHE.
Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Monday mornings?
A: Tell them a joke on Friday night!
Q: What do you call a blonde in a tree with a brief case?
A: Branch Manager.
Q: How did the dumb blonde break her leg raking leaves?
A: She fell out of the tree.
Q: What do you call a smart blonde?
A: A golden retriever.
Q: What did the blonde say to the physicist?
A: "Why, I just love nuclear fission! What do you use for bait?"
Q: Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, a dumb blonde, and a smart blonde are walking down the street when they spot a $10 bill. Who picks it up?
A: The dumb blonde! because, there is no such thing as Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, or a smart blonde.
Q: Why did the blonde scale the glass wall?
A: To see what was on the other side.
Q: What do you do when a blonde throws a hand grenade at you?
A: Pull the pin and throw it back.
Q: If a blonde and a brunette are tossed off a building, who hits the ground first?
A: The brunette. The blonde has to stop to ask for directions.
Q: What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimer’s disease?
A: Her IQ goes up!
Q: What is the difference between a smart blonde and Bigfoot?
A: Bigfoot has been spotted.
Q: How do you drown a blonde?
A: Put a mirror at the bottom of the pool.
Q: What do most blondes get on an IQ test?
A: Drool
A blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana and she wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "maybe I'll just go out and get my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes made at a reasonable price!" The vendor said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll run into those two blondes who were in here earlier saying the same thing."
So the blonde headed into the bayou that same day and a few hours later came upon the two standing waist deep in the water. She thought, "those must be the blondes the guy in town was talking about." Just then, the blonde saw a tremendously long gator swimming rapidly underwater towards one of the blondes. Just as the gator was about to attack, the blonde grabbed its neck with both hands and strangled it to death with very little effort. Then both blondes dragged it on shore and flipped it on its back.
Laying nearby were several more of the creatures. One of the blondes then exclaimed, "Darn this one's barefooted too!"
Three blondes died and are at the pearly gates of heaven. St. Peter tells them that they can enter the gates if they can answer one simple question.
St. Peter asks the first blonde, "What is Easter?"
The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy! It's the holiday in November when everyone gets together, eats turkey, and are thankful…"
"Wrong!," replies St. Peter, and proceeds to ask the second blonde the same question, "What is Easter?"
The second blonde replies, "Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus."
St. Peter looks at the second blonde, shakes his head in disgust, tells her she's wrong, and then peers over his glasses at the third blonde and asks, "What is Easter?"
The third blonde smiles confidently and looks St. Peter in the eyes, "I know what Easter is."
"Oh?" says St. Peter, incredulously.
"Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper and Jesus was later deceived and turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans took him to be crucified and he was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross with nails through his hands. He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder."
St. Peter smiles broadly with delight.
The third blonde continues, "Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out… and, if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter."
Three women escaped from prison. One was a redhead, one a brunette, and one a blonde. They ran for miles until they came upon an old barn where they decided to hide in the hayloft and rest. When they climbed up, they found three large gunnysacks and decided to climb into them for camouflage.
About an hour later the sheriff and his deputy came into the barn. The sheriff told his deputy to go up and check out the hayloft. When he got up there the sheriff asked him what he saw and the deputy yelled back, "Just three gunnysacks."
The sheriff told him to find out what was in them, so the deputy kicked the first sack, which had the redhead in it. She went, "Bow-wow", so the deputy told the sheriff there was a dog in it.
Then he kicked the sack with the brunette in it. She went, "Meow", so the deputy told the sheriff there was a cat in it.
Then he kicked the one with the blonde in it, and there was no sound at all. So he kicked it again, and finally the blonde said, "Potatoes".
A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss, concerned about all his employees' well being, asked sympathetically, "What's the matter?" To which the blonde replies....."Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away." The boss, feeling very sorry at this point, explains to the young girl. "Why don't you go home for the day.....we aren't terribly busy. Just take the day off to relax and rest."
The blonde very calmly states......"No, I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here." The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual...."if you need anything, just let me know."
Well, a few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out over his office and sees the blonde hysterically crying!! He rushes out to her, asking, "What's so bad now........are you gonna be ok??"
"No......" exclaims the blonde. "I just got a call from my sister. She told me that HER mom died too!!"